


Long, Long Way from Home

by Viridian5



Series: Borderlands (One for Sorrow) [3]
Category: due South
Genre: Drama, M/M, Post-Call of the Wild, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-03-21
Updated: 2000-03-21
Packaged: 2017-10-02 08:21:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Viridian5/pseuds/Viridian5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fraser is forced to desperate measures to save Ray and himself.  So is Ray.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Long, Long Way from Home

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for "Call of the Wild;" small things from "Victoria's Secret," "North," "Mask," and "Mountie on the Bounty."  
> Inspirational albums: _The Three Calamities_ by Switchblade Symphony and _Ultra_ by Depeche Mode.
> 
> Thanks to R for read-through above and beyond the call of duty (out, damned typos!), insightful comments, and inspiring a fix for a pressing narrative problem of mine. Thanks to Kasha for read-through, discussion, and comments. Thanks to Latonya for read-through and comments. Thanks to Te for encouragement on a late-breaking dream sequence I worried might be Too Much. Thanks to Ladonna for some help on the mystical stuff.

_"Be ware that you go  
Open up your eyes..." _   
  -- "Naked Birthday" by Switchblade Symphony  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hmm, crevasse again. Popular, that. Oh, glad you could make it, son."

I thought I might be dreaming but couldn't be sure. Outside the circle of light cast by our campfire, the usual cold, impenetrable darkness waited. Had I conquered that old nightmare at last? Better yet, conquered it by _our_ fire? Joy, warm and bright as sunshine, suffused me. "Dad? I thought I'd never see you again!"

But then my father looked up to reveal eyes that were black and strange all the way across. A bird's eyes, just as the cloak he wore over the Mountie uniform appeared to be made of glossy raven feathers. "Welcome." He threw a handful of carved bones onto a blanket and carefully studied the results. "Hmm, hypothermia again? He did that before. The lad should show some originality."

My rage nearly blinded me in its intensity. "You will relinquish my father's appearance _now_."

"Will I? I could have made myself look exactly like him if I'd wished." Another throw. "Gangrene. There's a horrible way to go. Slow. Painful. For the victim and the man watching him suffer."

"Now."

"Consider yourself fortunate I did not choose to fool you." Smoke curled around him, and I could see vague skull-like shapes swirling within it.

"If this is meant to be a joke, it's not a funny one."

"Of course, you don't know where your father went when he left with your mother. It must be hard losing him twice."

"Do you know where he is?"

"But I'm not here to tell you about your father, you know. I'm really not sure where your kind go when you die before you come back."

"Oh, really. And where is here?"

"A true place inside you. You always knew that on the inside you were cold and dark, didn't you? No, I'm here to foretell for your partner. Not that he needs me to when you already did in the crevasse. I believe you said something about the hand of Franklin possibly being the hand of death." He cast the bones again and winced. "Animal attack. Wait, the dogs are.... No, two are dead, and so is your partner."

Before I'd even realized it, I gripped the stranger by the throat. "Is that a threat?"

The man in the feathered cloak continued to smile no matter how tightly I squeezed. "From me? No. You're the only threat to him. Why, once upon a time I could do a cast for him and never know what I'd get. Man like him doesn't stay to as narrow a path as most, not when his disposition has many eyes, many feet, many directions. But now, it's death, death, and death."

"We all die eventually. R--" Suddenly I had a fear of using Ray's name in front of this creature. "My partner himself once said that life itself is a death sentence."

"But how sad that his death is stalking him closer and closer. So many ways to die in the Territories, but his deaths mainly fall into two categories. One has him dying fast or alone, never knowing how you feel about him. The other has you confessing as he lies dying nearby, neither of you able to do a thing with it but regret. How classical."

"I don't believe you." I couldn't believe him, didn't dare.

"And each of the two has him going mad first. Oh, don't get me wrong. He's one tough little bastard; it's the only reason he's made it through so far. Ironically, it's his very toughness and refusal to give up that will lay him low. It's inevitable. Or you could say that he goes sane while the rest of the world stays mad, which won't be any easier for him.

"But you don't have to believe me. Wait and watch. Maybe it will be more entertaining seen up close. Buck up, son! Forewarned is forearmed. Then again, maybe it's too late and my warning can only give you a better appreciation of what's happening as it occurs."

I awoke and loosened my too-tight hold on Ray, who slept in the sleeping bag with me. Ray smiled in his sleep, but I remembered how he'd been earlier this evening. Haunted, angry, nervous, afraid, seeing things I couldn't, trying to be casual as he asked which direction east was and if he could have our salt packet. Why? No reason.... He'd exploded when I'd refused to humor his requests.

Perhaps Ray had already gone mad; I certainly feared so.

Yet Diefenbaker and the dogs had seen something too, though I couldn't be sure if they saw what Ray thought he'd seen. I had no proof of anything.

I understood what my dream was trying to tell me. If we continued our quest for the hand of Franklin, Ray would suffer, no matter how fervently I tried to protect him. He already suffered. It had to end and I had to end it for him, since his pride and enthusiastically self-sacrificing nature wouldn't let him do it. Ray would return to his home terrain of Chicago and be well.

I would lose him. For his own good.

In the morning, we would turn around.

  


* * *

I ran for my life through an alley rendered in thick blacks and bleeding neon colors. Red light stained the puddles of filth my boots splashed through as I fled through the fetidly hot night. Most of my surroundings seemed to be made up of unnatural planes and sharp angles, like in a cubist's nightmare.

Unnatural. The City. I didn't belong here....

Just above the pounding of my heart I could hear my pursuer's heavy breathing.

I couldn't look back. It would get me for sure if I did. I could hear it running surefooted while I stumbled over trash and unexpected debris.

Here, I was no experienced hunter. Here, I was hapless prey.

Something heavy hit me from behind. I went down on hands and knees before striking my chin and then my cheek, unable to move once I stopped my tumble to the concrete. My pursuer roughly turned me onto my back to face it.

My Rays would have called the soot-colored creature that sat on my chest a junkyard dog, one of those large, rangy, feral-eyed beasts trained to attack and kill. Their owners supposedly abused and starved them to make them vicious. A brown leather collar encircled its neck tight enough to choke it. It bared its fearsome teeth as it slavered over me. Blue eyes shot through with gold focused on me with either hatred or hunger.

Then the large dog melted and became Ray. He too wore a brown leather collar closed cruelly tight around his pale neck and smiled hungrily as he continued to pin me down. "Who were ya expecting? The Easter Bunny?"

"Ray? I don't understand."

"'Course ya don't. You wanted to take me away from all this? Put a collar and leash on me? Mark me as your very own and sit me on your lap like your personal lapdog? _Own_ me? Well, this is what ownership does to me. Like it?"

"No, Ray. I don't want that at all."

"No? Ya sure?"

I didn't want to want to own him....

He just smiled as if he'd heard me. "Wanna see what it's like?"

Ray kissed me, his still sharp teeth rubbing against my lips, his hands running possessively through my hair as he lifted my head off the concrete a bit. He rubbed against me in long, sensual waves as he plundered my mouth. It left me gasping, burning, melting.

He pulled his mouth from mine with a last, lingering lick and smiled, all teeth.

He tore my throat out.

I awoke with a gasp and put my free hand to my neck. The other arm remained trapped under Ray, who looked sweet and utterly human. I shuddered.

Was my mind so sick that I could pervert Ray and his image in such a way? Apparently so. In any case, my dream had exaggerated and exposed my darkest fears rather neatly.

As I lay awake the rest of the night, my arms kept alternating between trying to crush him to me and trying to push him away. My brain remained too confused to decide the question. There had to be a healthy middle ground....

No matter what else I did, I kept stroking his hair.

  


* * *

Hours later, Ray awoke and stretched, the movement a sweet torture to me even through all the clothing we wore. I immediately loosened my hold on him.

"'Morning," Ray said. "Sleep good?"

"Yes, Ray."

With some effort, Ray managed to turn to face me in the confining sleeping bag. He looked concerned. "Don't sound good."

"I had... strange dreams."

"Wanna talk about 'em?"

"I don't remember them very well." I winced inside at all the lying.

Ray quirked an eyebrow, no doubt guessing that I evaded him, but let it go. "I had a good one. Do ya think it might make you feel a bit better to hear it?"

"Perhaps."

Ray beamed. "It was weird though. I was one of the dogs." I must have managed to repress my shudder, because he simply continued, "Which kinda sucked because it meant I was working that sled even in my sleep, but we ran so fast it was like flying, but on snow. We were all a team, and I could feel how much they loved me. It was great, exhilarating."

Ray could be a dog in his dream and experience love, companionship, teamwork. In my dream, he could only be a dog who was a malicious killer. Revealing, in all the worst ways.

He had to leave me before I tainted him.

"We were all really _big_ dogs too. Go figure." Ray shook his head as if to clear it, then unzipped the bag and got out. "Up and at 'em. We got miles to go before we sleep." The sled dogs swirled around him in greeting, yapping happily.

"Super Ray" had returned, worrying me. It had taken me a while to see it, but I'd recently realized that in the past week especially Ray had worked _too_ hard to show how competent he was. Unnaturally cheerful, he took on too much and never slowed or complained until he literally dropped from exhaustion and overwork.

"I would prefer to wallow a bit this morning," I said.

Suspicion instantly clouded his features. "You never wallow."

He thought I was coddling him and would never stand for it. I made my expression pathetic; with how I felt, it took very little effort and no lying. "Well, then, could you wallow while I take advantage of it?"

Ray grinned, all generosity. "Sure. _I'll_ wallow."

  


* * *

I succeeded in tricking Ray to "wallow" for another hour before we prepared the sled and went on our way. Back in the direction we'd just come from, though not on the exact same path. No matter how wilderness-ignorant my Ray might be, he was far too smart to be led over the same terrain, including our track marks, without seeing something wrong.

He was far too smart to be fooled for long anyway, but I needed the time to think of an explanation and a way to get him back where he would be safe.

Our ride left me hours of null time in which to think, but I wasted them in worry. Worse, I wasted them in self-pity, already looking in horror at a life without Ray. Self-righteous martyrdom remained a lonely pursuit.

I finally found a good place to stop and eat. It took Ray two minutes to realize that the sled had ceased to move. Once he did, he shook his head as if to clear it, then struggled to his feet, moving with the caution and awkwardness of a man decades older and more decrepit.

Did I really need any more proof that my current course was correct?

Then Ray's eyes turned vague, and he cocked his head. "We're going back the way we came," he said suddenly.

"Ray?"

"Why the hell are we going back the way we came, Fraser?" His voice had gone deadly soft.

He shouldn't have known. God help me, I hadn't given him the training necessary to discern direction in the Yukon.

I told myself that a trick of the light put that odd, soft shadow near his head.

"No, never mind. I know. You're quitting fer the both of us."

"It's necessary--"

"I don't quit, Fraser. I do not quit. Did you think I wouldn't notice?" He became a chain reaction of aggravated, choppy movement. "What were ya gonna say when I noticed that the towns looked exactly the same? 'Well, Ray, it's an odd property of Canadian towns that they all look exactly alike'? 'But, Fraser, why are the same people walking down the streets?' 'Well, Ray, Canada is actually part of a vast cloning experiment.' Or would we just avoid towns altogether? And how were ya gonna get me to the States? Tell me that the hand of Franklin is hidden on an airbase, then deposit me in front of a plane, distract me with a 'Look, Ray, turtles!' and throw me in? How stupid do you think I am, or do I really wanna know?" As angry as he sounded, the hurt in his voice made it all worse.

"I have great respect for your--"

"Yeah, right. What, I'm not cutting it? I'm trying so damned hard."

"I know. No one else would try so hard."

"But it's not enough, right?"

"When I started teaching you to swim, I didn't fling you into the deepest end of the pool, but that's what I did here."

"You didn't have any problems with me before, but now you think I'm nuts, right? Ray talks to giant birds nobody else can see."

Giant birds? I suddenly remembered the bird's eyes and cloak of raven feathers the man in my dream had. Usually I would dismiss it as coincidence, but current circumstances forced me to take another view. "What was that about giant--"

"Well, maybe I am nuts, but that don't give you the right to make a uni-- unil-- a big fucking decision like this for me without letting me know what ya were doing! That's no reason! It all means nothing to you! Everything I've done--"

I was losing him. "Ray?"

"What reason? You tell me what reason you did this besides you figuring I didn't have the brains God gave a gnat."

Losing him.... "Ray, I--"

"What?"

I could lose him for sure on my current path or take a chance that might keep him. Terrified, selfish, I took the chance. "I love you."

"That's the worst fucking reason of all!" Then Ray went utterly still. "Figuratively you love me."

"Literally. I love you." Ray moved close to me and stared into my eyes. I fidgeted under the intensity of his gaze.

"This is like some kinda pacifier thing, right, like you shove into a baby's mouth to stop it from crying? 'Here, Ray, suck on this and stop whining.'"

"No. I do."

For once, his face gave away nothing. Except, perhaps, shock. "You do."

"Yes."

"You're just saying that to distract me, keep me here trying to figure you out."

"No, Ray, I mean it."

"How long?"

"It feels like forever. I think... I think it was gradual."

Angry again. "How long have you known and said nothing?"

"I was afraid." And given the distinct lack of a reciprocated declaration, it looked like I had good reason to be.

Ray looked down and closed his eyes. "Okay. Okay. But... but ya don't pull shit like this on the people you love. You don't pull it on _me_."

"I was afraid for you, Ray. Last night's incident just strengthened a concern I already had. I've been selfish by keeping you here."

"Which ya just compounded by being high-handed. No, didn't mean it that way. I mean, you _were_ high-handed, but it's not selfish to want to be home. It's natural, human."

"It's selfish to watch someone you love kill himself to make you happy, yet do nothing. And it doesn't make me happy to be 'home' when I'm watching you suffer."

"C'mere."

"What?"

"Just c'mere."

Uncertain what to expect, I stood next to him. He pulled me into a desperate hug. I certainly hadn't expected that. It made me angry to think he might be pity-hugging me, but the genuine feeling in his gesture allayed that thought. He cared. He hadn't said he loved me in return, but he did care. Deeply. My Ray could not do otherwise.

I wanted to weep. I wanted to clutch him tightly, and I did. But then he twitched and fidgeted until I let him go. He gently and affectionately boxed the back of my head.

"Jesus. Your hair just fell right back into place. How do ya do that?" He shook his head. "You can't make these kind of decisions without telling me."

What, that I loved him? No, he meant about going back. It seemed that he refused to address... the other issue, even as it obviously affected his reactions to me. My stomach rolled.

But he knew. "Look, I'm ticked off, confused, hurt, hungry, tired right now, so I dunno what I think. I say stupid stuff when I'm like this, and I don't wanna do that. But I can tell ya... that I wouldn't give up my regular life in favor of staying with anyone else in the Great White North. No one else. You get that?"

"Yes, Ray." It was almost a yes. I tried not to hope for too much.

"I hate making you wait, but... just give me time to wrap my brain around it. That okay?"

  


* * *

The dogs trotted around me as an honor guard as we walked outside the small cabin Fraser had found for us to stay the night in. You knew you were out in the middle of nowhere for too long when walls and a roof seemed like a luxury. Maybe someday I'd even get to see indoor plumbing again.

Outside the light of my lantern, everything looked black. World got _dark_ outside the cities, but I could see so many stars, and they looked so close that I couldn't help feeling like the planet had a lid on to retain freshness. City skies with their lights and colors seemed to go on forever straight up, while wild skies seemed to go on forever sideways.

One of Santa's Little Helpers nuzzled my gloved hand to tell me to get on with it already. Dasher. Always so impatient. Couldn't blame her, though, since I was freezing my ass off. My hands felt like they'd shatter if I hit them against anything, my fingers so cold that they actually felt heavier.

I had to keep all of us safe: the dogs, Dief, Fraser.... Had to make sure Fraser didn't get hurt by something he didn't even believe in.

Fraser, who'd said he loved me.

I still hadn't answered him. It was so _big_. Some folks could say they loved you and mean they wanted you for a while, but I got the feeling that for Fraser it would mean forever. Like how I'd wanted forever with Stella, and we saw how that turned out.

I'd realized yesterday that I did love him forever-style. Cruel of me not to say so immediately, but could we possibly make this work? I didn't know. We seemed to need different things....

If he even meant it the way I thought he meant it. The timing made me wonder. Maybe he just told me what he thought I needed to hear to let him send me back to the States. No, I hoped he knew me well enough by now to realize that a declaration like that would be the last thing that would drive me away. I hoped, because it would be too depressing if he didn't. Maybe his "I love you" was his idea of a protection circle around me against the dark, scary stuff I saw that he couldn't.

Here I was so far away from anything I knew....

Rudolph nosed my hand. Right, the protection circle. Fraser might stop me if he knew about this, so I just had to be careful to make sure he didn't.

I had a packet of salt I'd filched from the sled and a stick. I'd figured out which way was East. But as I started to lean down to draw my circle, I heard, "You should thank me, hatchling."

I swore and went for a gun I didn't carry anymore. "Damn it."

Full of itself, its glossy black feathers gleaming greenly in the lantern light, the big raven smirked at me. "Watch what you wish for."

"'Thank you'? Thank you fer what? Fer trying to make me crazy? Fer getting Fraser to look at me like I need a straitjacket and a good padded room? Fer letting me know that Fraser decided we were going back without thinking my opinion on it mattered? I would've figured out the last one on my own sooner or later."

"For the declaration of love, of course." One for Sorrow puffed up and strutted a bit, not too much different from some Chicago mook who'd just pulled off a sweet heist. Had to tell Fraser that Chicago wasn't too far from nature after all. Not that the raven had much to do with nature as I saw it. "Do you really think he would have done it if he hadn't been so afraid of losing you to madness or death?"

"So ya decided to help me along with the madness thing?"

"It worked."

"He gave me a mercy declaration. A way of holding onta me when I would've broken off our friendship."

"Not at all! It was a cry from the heart. It's hard for him to do that. And now you know you have a mutual feeling yourself. You don't need to search for the hand of glory now that you've found what you were really looking for right next to you."

"That's great, Glinda. Now get in your little pink soap bubble and take off."

"I've done you a service."

"I didn't ask fer it. I have no obligation to you. No debt. We didn't make no pact. I owe you nothing."

One for Sorrow looked put off but said, "Then consider it a freebie."

"Out of the kindness of your heart."

"Of course."

"You wanna explain that bit about trying to get my name outta me?"

"You've never faced a temptation too great to resist?"

"Temptation to have absolute power over someone? Sure. But never over somebody I'm supposedly looking out fer. Never to mess with someone's head that badly for no reason."

"Touché."

"Whatever."

"Will it make you happier to see how this works for me as well? I'll tell you the straight story and trust you not to do the opposite of what I want just to spite me."

"Gee, thanks."

"I don't want you wandering through my woods looking for hands of glory or anything else. Humanity is an infestation overrunning the world, and I prefer my quiet corner quiet, do you get me?"

"And just us two is an 'infestation'?"

"You could be the harbingers. Once it becomes easy, your kind flocks to and changes every location you take over."

"Did you really mess with Franklin's head to make the expedition fail horribly?"

"Didn't have to. All I had to do was sit back on my feathered ass and laugh."

"Cruel bastard."

"I'm trying to get you out of a mistake you made, this deadly 'adventure' of yours, and this is how you speak to me? You may have been one of mine for a long time--"

"No. Way."

"--but you, hatchling, have forgotten respect."

"This from some... thing that sounds like the old fart who yells at the kids to get offa his lawn." I ran a hand through my hair. "Okay. So we have that mutual declaration."

"Not yet. You haven't declared, and your mate sits in the cabin deathly afraid you'll break his heart to bits."

"If we get the love stuff in the open, you're done with us, right?"

Bird _smirked_. "For the most part. I've always liked you, you know."

"Shit." I thought back to which direction the sun had come up in. Once I had East, I set my stick point into the snow and started to move. Damned bird cackled the whole time I drew a large circle 'round the cabin clockwise, pressing salt hard into the border so it wouldn't blow off.

I could only hope that my unknowing invitation to the raven on the sled yesterday didn't make him invited in forever, circle or no circle.

The dogs stayed close with me the whole time--Rudolph, Dasher, Blitzen, and Comet in the lead; Vixen, Cupid, and "Little Ned" Nederlander in a phalanx right around me; and Dancer, Prancer and Donner as rear guard--without once crossing the line I drew, which would have disrupted it. It was almost enough to make a guy believe in things.

"Now get the hell out of here! Find a cornfield or something but leave us alone!" I shouted.

"It's been a long time since I've had such entertainment."

"Go, damn you!"

"Fine, fine." One for Sorrow spread his wings wide, then disappeared.

Wasn't so much to ask for normal stuff, was it? Sure, normal for me meant the often-scuzzy streets of Chicago and a partner who thought his wolf talked, but I wanted it.

The dogs got happy once the bird left. Their plumy tails wagged madly back and forth like metronomes on speed as they tackled me down and had a licking marathon. Couldn't decide if that was their way of saying, "_Good_ Ray!" or "We did good, boss, didn't we? Right? Didn't we? Yeah? Huh?"

"Yeah, yeah. I think we all did good."

They pressed in closer, surrounding me with warmth and plush softness. I closed my eyes to the forest of pale blue eyes and swirl of black, white, and gray fur and let them love me.

"Ray! Are you all right?"

I opened my eyes a little to see a blur under my lashes. A concerned looking blur. I knew him this way whether he wore Mountie red or not. Not, in this case.

I opened my eyes a bit more. "Yeah, once I get all the slobber off. Dogs're just happy."

_He_ looked so happy. Guess it was a relief seeing his partner doing something normal like playing with the dogs instead of something freaky like making a salt protection circle around the cabin.

I won't tell if you don't. "Thanks, guys," I whispered to the dogs. I got a cheekful of Ned's tongue as payback.

Fraser reached in to offer a hand up, which I took for once. What harm did it do to let him feel like he was helping?

One for Sorrow said he'd bother us whether I made a declaration or not, but this needed to be said. "And I, you, Fraser."

"Ray?"

"I love you. I'm sorry I left you hanging for hours like that. I just needed a little time. Didn't even have a clue till yesterday." He didn't answer me with words, but, damn, he had a beautiful smile. I couldn't help a little teasing. "Did ya think I'd just leap into your arms earlier? I'm not the leaping type."

"Ray." Fraser sounded doubtful, fond, and a bit exasperated all at once.

"Don't believe me? Well, I never was. Not till I met you." The rest came out in a rush. "And if we're going to do the truth thing, I should also tell ya that I suggested looking for the hand of Franklin because I know ya wanted to stay and I needed an excuse to stay with ya." Throwing my secrets out to him left me feeling scared and weirdly hollow.

Then he pulled me into a tight hug, and it started to feel okay. More than okay. I didn't twitch myself loose this time.

He wouldn't use what I said against me. He wasn't Stella.

"Thank you," he whispered into my hair.

"So, what do we do now?"

"Now?"

"Uh, yeah."

Fraser laughed a little, and it didn't sound entirely sane. "I was so focused on arriving here that I didn't give any thought to what would follow this."

"How 'bout we go inside to figure out our next moves?"

"That sounds like a good plan."

He gave me a hilariously overdone long-suffering look as the dogs followed us in. When we'd started out, he'd tried to keep them outside, but I'd told him the team didn't think it was fair that Dief got to stay inside when they couldn't. So they'd either get to come in or Dief would join them outside. Dief had made his opinion pretty clear on that one.

The cabin's warmth wrapped around us. Once upon a time I wouldn't have thought this was warm, but a lot of things had become comfy compared to what I dealt with on a daily basis outside. I stripped a few layers off. I'd gotten so used to being wrapped up in a ton of clothing that I kind of felt small and incomplete without it. I ran a hand through my hair, which stood out from static electricity, to try to control it. I frowned at how long it was getting in the back.

When I looked back at Fraser, I realized that he'd been watching me the whole time. Damn, I felt 13 and awkward all over again. Okay, I still felt awkward in some things, but I meant awkward in love stuff. Okay, I wasn't always totally smooth in love stuff either. Damn. I just hadn't felt this _self-conscious_ in a long time.

"Ray, when you said that you'd proposed our quest to stay with me... does that still hold?"

"Fraser, I just said I loved you. I'm not gonna try to leave now."

He beamed but said, "I don't want to make any assumptions of you. It's a big commitment."

"I can see that. Thanks. Yeah, I'm committed. Or I should be committed."

"Perhaps I should be as well. It would have been far saner and we would have been better off had we proposed this quest any time other than winter."

I grinned. "Yeah, I can see that too. Note to self: Next time we do something like this, make sure we don't start in March." Had to be careful here. I thought out what I wanted to say as best I could, then went ahead. "We don't have to keep looking if ya don't want to. I mean, I found what I was looking for. If it's okay with ya, we could stop, or we could take it up again some other, better time. I..." Oh, this killed me to say. "I need a break. Or something."

Fraser nodded. "I feel much the same."

"You do?"

"Yes. But now we still must make plans."

I had to be tired, because I didn't have clue one what he was talking about. "Yeah?"

"You said you wanted to stay with me." He sounded so shy and hesitant.

"Hell, yeah."

Fraser smiled a little. Reassured. I hoped. "Well, our solution to our location problems would involve us meeting halfway. Perhaps we could spend part of the year here and winters in Chicago. The Yukon is a very different land in spring and summer, lush and verdant. Beautiful in a friendlier way."

"We'd be snowbirds?"

"Ray?"

"It's an Arizona native's derogatory term for northerners who spend their winters in Arizona and the rest of the year up north. Kinda pretty sounding for an insult, but go figure. Mum and Dad were thinking of going the snowbird route." So they could see me in Chicago. Of course, that was before I went off to Canada.

"I miss Chicago sometimes."

There he was, right with me. "You do?"

"Not the city itself. Our friends."

Warm as that "our" made me feel, I suddenly wondered if Frannie was taking good care of Spike. My turtle would probably never forgive me. "We could do that."

"Or we could decide on a town somewhere near the border, large enough for you but small enough for me."

"Yeah, that would be good too."

"You have no preference?"

"I want you to be happy."

"I couldn't be happy if you weren't."

I shook my head. It was great that he cared, but I wasn't that breakable. I hoped he got over that soon.

Oh, yeah. I talked to things he couldn't see. If I wanted him to stop being so over-careful with me, I had to stop doing that.

"Time to think, Fraser. It's vital," I said.

"Understood."

"Can we sleep on it?"

"Of course."

  


* * *

Ray--my impulsive and sometimes reckless Ray--was showing prudence. I should have approved and been proud, but my own evil impatience made that difficult. Turnabout is a bitch, he'd probably say in response to that as he smiled.

He seemed self-conscious now that we'd said... what we'd said to one another, so I gave him space and privacy as he washed up. I gave thanks that the cabin had only a small basin instead of a tub, because my overworked imagination needed no more stimulation than it already had. The thought of him stripping down utterly might have driven me mad.

He loved me. He wanted to stay with me.

I felt elated and terrified all at once.

As I took my turn washing I could hear him talking to and playing with the dogs. The sled team's presence made the cabin feel more cramped but also warmer and almost homey. In any case, their proximity comforted Ray.

By the time I finished, Ray had already claimed the cot and half-fallen asleep. I started to unroll a sleeping bag on the floor nearby, thinking he'd want space, given the aforementioned self-consciousness. I would miss the comfort of having him near, but I refused to push.

"What're you doing? C'mere," he mumbled sleepily.

My heart lifted. "Ray, I don't want to crowd--"

"Get up here, or I'll come down there and kick you in the head."

"Understood." I needed no other invitation. I quickly settled in beside him. He murmured contentedly and pressed closer. While the feeling of him moving in my arms kept me distracted for a long time, I finally fell asleep.

  


* * *

Cold darkness pressed in on me, but I felt even colder inside. Right now I would be thankful even for the trickster spirit and his campfire. Any light, any warmth, any company would be welcome.

After so many years of this dream, one would think I would have learned to live with it, yet it never lost its terror. I knew this was a dream. I knew that, eventually, it would end. Eventually. Yet I couldn't get out, couldn't escape, and never came to terms with my fear while here. This recurring dream made that childhood night alone in the woods struggling to build a fire with two stones pale in comparison. Here, Dad would never come back for me.

Now he would never come back again. He'd left me, as they all did sooner or later.

"Hey, Fraser, you in here?" someone whispered. Ray.

I wanted to yell for him, but I could only softly croak, "Over here." Ray had never been here before....

A light flickered on, then slowly grew. It was Ray. Literally. Sometimes warm/hot and golden as sunshine, sometimes pale and cool as starshine, he glowed and left a swirling trail of sparks as he moved. He was dressed for a Chicago early summer in jeans one size too large for him, boots, and his Rawhide T-shirt. He wore his gun harness, and only then did I realize how incomplete he seemed without his gun and holster harness in Canada with me.

"Yeah, the earth says hello, Fraser."

"What?"

"Never mind. I brought somebody for ya."

Dief bounded up and tackled me to the ground. I wouldn't rebuke his forceful enthusiasm this time. I saw that Ray had the sled dogs swirling around him as well as sparks.

I felt a bit warmer, in many ways. "Thank you, Ray."

"I was having this dream where Satan took me up on a mountaintop, showed me Chicago, and told me it could be mine if I just forsook... uh, never mind. I should probably get my knuckles rapped with a ruler for that one. Anyway, I was there until I got yanked over here. So where are we?"

"Trapped."

"Can't be. If there's a way in, there's a way out, right?" The dogs scattered outside the small circle of Ray's light, no doubt to scout out an exit.

Trust Ray to show up unexpectedly in a situation with no idea of what was going on yet immediately try to fix things. Sometimes he succeeded _because_ he didn't know the import of things. It left him with no conception of "can't."

His nostrils flared a little, then he smiled. "Ned found a breeze of fresh air. We might have an exit. Hard to tell." He reached for me, then pulled his hand back. "Damn, you're cold! I thought you were the walking furnace while I was the guy who wears three layers of clothing in May."

Inside I was different, just as he was. He burned. That light pass of his hand had felt like a branding iron.

"I could try to warm you up."

"Ray, no--"

It hurt when his hand clasped mine, hurt so badly I couldn't gather the focus of mind necessary to pull free. But the pain lessened more and more, until it became the necessary discomfort of thawing flesh, until it ended completely. Ray's touch had rendered me cool and comfortable instead of cold.

Could he change me for the better without my darker parts influencing him?

"Better?"

"Remarkably so."

"Glad I could help."

Suddenly everything started to fade. Eyes wide with concern, Ray reached for me, but his hand passed through mine.

I woke up and opened my eyes to find myself in the cabin, Ray held tightly in my arms. At least I hoped I was awake. The flickering firelight made him a creature of light and shifting colors. His hand clenched in my shirt as he mumbled something, sounding distressed. He sighed and quieted as I traced the long bones and prominent knuckles of that hand. He'd been so bundled up for so long that I found the sight of any bare skin, even his fingers, utterly erotic.

Yet I had to be careful. I felt... too much right now. I couldn't help fearing that I would cling too tightly; part of me wanted to cuff him to me to make sure he could never get away. I would scare him.

I scared myself.

I needed distance, self-control. I'd resigned myself to never being anything other than his friend, so I should be able to wait a little while longer now.

Ray smiled at me. "_There_ you are," he said sleepily.

"Did I wake you?"

"Nah." He yawned. "You gonna court me, Ben?"

The "Ben" shocked and warmed me so utterly that I almost lost the rest of his question. "Court you?"

"Y'know, ask my dad's permission to see me, assuring him of your honorable intentions, not that you could have anything other. 'Course he'd probably have a heart attack and die, which wouldn't be cool. Then you'd have to find us a chaperone. Am I missing anything?"

He showed me a funhouse mirror version of my own thoughts.

Sometimes he seemed eerily close to reading my mind. "I think it's already too late for a chaperone, Ray."

"Is it?" he purred.

I couldn't identify the emotion that coursed through me. It consisted of love, lust, affection, possessiveness, relief. "We're alone and quite intimate now."

"We could get more."

I knew where he headed with this, but I needed it spelled out. "More alone?"

"More intimate." His low, husky voice flowed over and through me. The drowsy languor that had replaced his usual nervous energy made him strangely exotic to me. It was how I'd imagined he would be after sex.

It didn't matter that he seemed tired. I could easily do all the work....

I wanted him. Badly. I realized that my hand on his back had already taken on a stroking motion. He pushed up into it as if hungry for more. And I wanted to give him more, make him mine, utterly. Mark him....

Horrible thought. I stiffened. Ray sighed. "Bad time, then?"

"I want to be sure my motives are pure."

He smiled, and it had hints of amused exasperation in it. "We're talking sex, not running for public office, here."

"My emotions are too tangled." Seeing his retort coming, I said, "Lust and its satiation would be a momentary distraction."

"I'd like to think it would be more than a 'momentary' distraction."

"I cast no aspersions on your endurance."

"Better not."

"Afterward, my emotions would still be tangled, if not more so. You don't mind waiting a little?"

"I can do patience."

He didn't happily "do" patience. "I won't make you be patient long." I lacked the moral strength to keep him waiting long anyway.

"I appreciate it."

I let him go, but he remained draped atop me. As much as I hated to lose the warmth and weight of him, I had to. "Now I must leave to urinate." Perhaps the brief time away would make things clearer. We'd spent so little time apart in the last few weeks. It bordered on the obsessive.

Ray snorted. "Who's stopping-- Oh, I am. Sorry." He rolled off me. "Don't let the outhouse monster get ya."

"Uh, I will try not to, Ray." By the time I'd dressed in all my layers to go out, Ray had fallen asleep again. I lingered a little while to watch him, then picked up the lantern and walked outside into the cold, stepping over three sled dogs on my way out. One of the dogs followed me, staying at my side, perhaps as a protector. If Diefenbaker had not been asleep at the far end of the cabin, I would have had teasing words for him on that.

Once out, I saw something odd just at the edge of the lantern's light. As I moved closer, I realized that it was a long furrow, too neat and deliberate, cut into the snow. As I followed it, dog at my side, I saw that it seemed to loop all the way around, including the cabin and outhouse within a kind of circle.

Oh, Ray. That he'd done this, and then felt it necessary to hide it from me....

I remembered how Ray had earlier identified the thing troubling him as a "giant bird" and how that had seemed, in my mind, to be connected to the trickster in his cloak of raven feathers I'd seen in my dream. What if the thing that harassed Ray truly did exist? Even my logic allowed that some things existed outside the scope of my poor five senses.

If my trickster and Ray's giant bird were the same being--perhaps Raven, whom I'd briefly dealt with in the past, though not in any successful manner--maybe I could talk to it, try to convince it to leave Ray in peace. I had to try.

I had some knowledge of lucid dreaming techniques. I would attempt to revisit the trickster to talk to him. There had to be something I could do.

I had to hope that I did reach the raven's "true place" and not simply dream falsely that I had. Poor Ray. These kinds of doubts must have been tearing him apart.

On my way back to the cabin, despite all my misgivings, I scuffed through the protection circle's line with my boot, ignoring the dog's whine of what seemed almost to be apprehension. I wouldn't have a hope of reaching the raven otherwise.

I only hoped I wasn't making a mistake.

  


* * *

This time the trickster, still wearing my father's seeming, sat at his fire near the mouth of a cave. A night full of stars stretched outside. "I thought you didn't believe in me, son."

I swallowed the rage that hearing it call me "son" in my father's voice gave me. I had to be diplomatic. For Ray's sake. "I came to ask that you leave my partner alone."

Firelight gleamed off black eyes and his cloak of raven feathers. Smoke curled around him in vaguely familiar shapes I couldn't quite grasp. "What will you give me in return?"

I should have expected that question. I didn't know. But in the face of Ray's suffering, how could I fail to try? "What... what do you want?" I would give whatever I could.

The trickster smiled. "Forget it."

"Excuse me?"

"You couldn't rid him of me if you tried. I've always been there. Sometimes he can see me, sometimes not. I thought this was one of the times he wouldn't, but he surprised me, as he often does. As you often do."

"I don't understand."

"He's a child of the city this time. All those people and their noises pressing in on him, all that stimulation from so many directions, clouded the sense he was born with. Out here, on your sled, he had so few outside presences to deal with that he went inward and found himself. It certainly shocked me when he noticed me that day. He sees and knows clearer here with the eyes of his intuition unblocked. Here, he goes between worlds as he's always had the potential to do."

I suddenly remembered that moment in the submersible when Ray had told me to "go that way." He couldn't explain why he'd wanted me to do it. Mr. Instinct. Yet when I'd followed his intuition, we'd found Leftenant Welsh, Inspector Thatcher, and Turnbull on that replica of the Bounty they'd used to follow the criminals.

Then it had been just Ray and I far under the lake afraid we'd be lost forever. I began to see what the trickster meant.

"If I brought him to a city, he wouldn't see you anymore?"

"Perhaps. Now that he's found his guides, it's hard to say if he'll ever be exactly the same. But that's mortal life for you, isn't it? Change."

I felt as if I'd walked in on a story already halfway finished. I held onto the parts that I felt I understood. "I simply want you to stop harassing him."

"I never meant him any harm; he's just so much fun to play with. My meddling turned out for the best."

I shuddered. "Just please be kinder in how you play with him."

"'Please.' I do like that. I will. On one condition."

I worried about what he might ask, but this was for Ray. "Yes?"

"Take care of him so well that I don't feel compelled to meddle. I'll be watching."

I almost choked on the swell of relief I felt. "That's... acceptable."

"Then we're reconciled. Oh, and son?"

I bristled at this thing pretending to be my father, but retained my polite manner. For Ray. "Yes?"

"When are you going to get a leg up on the Yank?"

Before I could reach and throttle him, the cackling trickster turned into a large raven and flew out into the night.

  


* * *

I woke up with Fraser's arms holding me loosely, casually possessive. Between that and the peaceful look on his face, I guessed and hoped that he felt more assured of me sticking around, at least enough that he didn't have to clutch me in a stranglehold at night.

I kind of liked being clutched, sure, but I liked to breathe too.

Weird to be so close to him. We'd slept intertwined most of the last few weeks, but we'd been so bundled up it had been like sleeping with a big rag doll or something. Not that I ever did something like that. Anyway, then I couldn't really feel him. That wasn't a problem now, that's for sure.

I still didn't understand why he could semi-molest me in my sleep but couldn't while I was awake and participating. But still. Patience. I could do patience.

Besides, I didn't think _Fraser_ could do patience, not in this at least, for much longer.

When I tried to move to get off my numb arm, that grip tightened around me. "Sorry, Ray," he mumbled as he loosened up again.

I moved my arm free and winced at the pins and needles. "Hey, I got one arm; what do I really need another one for?"

"I have to stop mauling you."

"I don't want you to stop all of it, ya know." Then I kissed him. It was easy. Just move and touch. I could have done this years ago.

He kissed me back, nuzzling at my lips. He wanted it, wanted me.... Then he stopped and tried to move away, managing to look scared and guilty all at once.

He was _scared_ of me? I really couldn't take it anymore. "What? Is it you; is it me? You can't expect me to believe you're a virgin." A horrible thought occurred to me. "I'm not gonna make like Victoria."

Fraser looked horrified. "It's not that. I don't trust myself, Ray."

There were some people who'd be thrilled to have evidence that Fraser was fucked up on the inside. I wasn't one of them.

I had to reassure him. "I'm not glass; I don't break easy. If you're worried about being too rough or something, don't be. If you have some kind of idea that our first time has to be roses and slow, soft-focus photography, and it's not right otherwise, don't. We've been out here alone for weeks, and I know reality."

He sounded so disgusted with himself. "It's stupid."

I waited for more, but he said nothing else. "Okay. We don't have to do anything now. I don't want you jumping me just because you're trying to prove to yourself that ya can or you think you owe it to me since I'm horny."

"Ray...."

No one had ever said my name like that, so soft and warm, like it was love itself and the last breath from his body. "Yeah?"

This time, _he_ kissed me, and I kissed back. I didn't have to wonder where I should put my hands and arms, because he already had his all over me, and that distracted the hell out of me. I just moved in any way that felt right at the time, sliding around on top of him. I could still feel him holding back, trying not to grip too hard, but I didn't try to goad him on or anything. Maybe he needed it this way.

Maybe he needed to know he could do it this way.

I touched him all over, exploring him. It was like there had been No Trespassing signs on certain areas, Bad Touch country, but now I had free rein. It would be criminal not to take advantage.

Just getting my hands under his clothes gave me a certain thrill. I mean, I knew there had to be a person under there, but I'd never gotten to see anything more than his head, neck, and hands, with maybe a bit of forearm now and then, in all the time I'd known him. His skin put off more than enough heat to warm my hands, which had been freezing for what seemed like forever. Then I thought that maybe he wouldn't like having my icy fingers on him, but he hadn't complained, and it was too late anyway. I'd have to think first next time.

As I traced those scary front teeth of his with my tongue, I felt his hands start stroking at the middle of my spine and separate for one to go north and the other south. He had the hands of someone who worked hard: strong, a bit callused, with skin on the rough side. I liked that. They massaged deep into the tight muscles of my back, melting me into a puddle, making me moan into his mouth. Should have known that I couldn't hide my backaches from him.

If we hadn't been so scared of touching one another, I could have been feeling this good ages ago. Unfair. Of course, it looked like if we'd started the massage bit then, we wouldn't have been able to stop, then as now.

That wouldn't have been so bad.

We thrusted against one another in a kind of dance. I didn't know about Fraser, but I knew I wouldn't be able to last much longer, not with how deprived I've been. Life just sucked sometimes. Who the hell was I kidding? With what I had going on right now, I really should stop whining.

While I'd been thinking of other things, he'd gotten my pants undone and his hand inside. His slightly chapped fingertips felt incredible brushing against my cock.

"I can't--" I gasped.

"It's fine, Ray." He looked decadent, lips swollen and glistening from kissing, stone face softened into a look that managed to be unfocused and focused all at once.

I nodded and slid my lips down to his pale neck, hoping that more concentrated kissing might distract me from coming immediately. To my surprise, he went still, and his pulse spiked, pounding. Scared. What did he think I was going to do to him? What did that bitch Victoria do to him?

"It's okay; it's okay," I murmured against his skin. Once he saw that I didn't have anything other than kissing and a bit of sucking in mind, he relaxed and started to enjoy it. I couldn't help enjoying the red marks I left against creamy paleness. I did that....

His hand started to slide up and down the length of my cock, making me try to push more into his grip. More, I wanted more. It felt so good, so right. I found his and reciprocated the motion. I sped up as he sped up, slowed down as he did. He smiled and experimented with speeds just to see if I followed him. I almost came from that alone, but I had more willpower than most people realized.

Mutual. I wanted this to be completely mutual.

He did this... incredible thing with his fingers on my cock and balls that sent me over, whiplashing against him. He came too, shouting my name, and I couldn't help thinking that it was the sight and feel of me doing it that brought him there.

After that, we just stayed still and breathed together for a while, kind of melted together. Maybe sticking to one another a bit too. Less cool, but it made sure I knew this was real.

I whimpered when Fraser bought his fingers to his mouth, the ones he'd stroked me off with, and licked them clean. "Warn a guy when you're gonna do something like that, huh?"

"You mean something like this?" He took my hand, but hesitated as he brought my fingers to his lips. Then he shook it off and meticulously lapped my fingers too. I twitched. If I were younger, I'd be ready to jump him again.

This felt good. Hell, sex was about the only way we could have gotten any more intimate than we already were. Fraser looked good with it too, relaxed, relieved. Happy.

I kind of expected him to be all ready to get on with the day afterwards--get up, clean up, leave, all efficient--but he seemed content to loll around in bed with me. Sometimes demolished expectations could be good.

We wallowed for a longish time, just lazily kissing and touching, until Diefenbaker and Santa's Little Helpers all gathered around the cot and stared at us. I laughed. "I think they're trying to tell us they wanna get a move on."

Fraser looked rueful. "So it would seem."

"I gave our destination some thought last night," I said. We had to get this out of the way sooner or later.

He stiffened, but his voice sounded even. "Yes, Ray?"

Careful, Ray. "I'd like to go back to Chicago first, see how things are. With you, of course, if ya don't mind." When he didn't say anything at all, giving me no clues, I continued, "Y'know, check in on everybody. If Frannie killed Spike, I wanna know about it."

"'Spike'? And Francesca would never knowingly harm a living thing."

"My turtle, and she wouldn't mean it if it happened, I know."

His voice had a hint of teasing reproach in it. "You never told me his name."

"Well, he's shy, doesn't get in the mix often. It never came up."

"Ah. 'Spike.'"

Damn, didn't we sound normal. It made me smile. "Yeah. Anyway, I didn't get any of my affairs in order or say any real goodbyes to anybody."

We'd gone from taking down Muldoon to going directly on our "adventure" with no side trip to Chicago to do things that needed to be done. I made a few brief calls to let people know I was okay and try to settle my affairs long distance, but that was it. I'd been afraid that if I took the time to do things right Fraser would take off for the wilds, never to be found, or he'd come with me to Chicago, realize that Vecchio was what he really wanted, and leave me high and dry. I knew now that I'd been afraid of stuff that wouldn't happen, but I hadn't known that then. I'd only had the look on Fraser's face at seeing Vecchio in the hotel and then the one when we landed in Canada to go on. Had he ever looked at me like that? No, not that I'd been aware of.

Maybe he had, when my back was turned. He looked at me like that right now, though.

"Then, maybe that would help me figure out what I think we should do," I said.

He relaxed a bit; I could feel it through his skin. "That sounds sensible. I wouldn't mind going back myself."

"You're humoring me, right?"

"No, Ray."

"Great. It would be good to see the ol' homestead again."

Maybe this could work. It seemed to be working. I smiled and managed to move in closer.

The sudden sound of wings beating startled me. I pressed my face against Fraser's shoulder, trying not to hear.

  


* * *

I marveled at my current circumstances, the comfort and closeness here, the joy I felt, the warmth of Ray burrowing lovingly into my shoulder. The sky had not fallen in, nor had Ray tried to destroy me or simply had his way with me then abandoned me. We were still friends and partners but now lovers as well. My fears seemed silly now, but how thankful I was that the worst I could say was that I had been wrong and now felt silly about those thoughts.

I knew enough to realize that things would not always be easy, that keeping us together would necessarily take work and careful attention. We were two very different people, no matter that those differences made us complement one another. This proposed trip to Chicago, for example, gave me misgivings, but I could tell Ray needed it, and perhaps I did as well.

I could restrain my possessiveness and other ignoble urges. I would. For Ray's sake and my own. I needed him....

No, it would not be easy. But I was certain that it would be worth it.

 

### End


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